The Changing Of Ways

Imagine if you will...

you are a baby learning to walk.  Instead of learning that you can start on either foot you are taught that you can only start on your right foot.  So you start on your right foot.  Always the right foot.  Eventually you are so used to starting on your right foot that you forget all about your left foot.  You forget that it's even there for anything other than following your right foot.  This goes on for about 30 years.  Then one day you wake up to realize that all this time you've been doing it wrong.  You aren't supposed to start with your right foot.  You are supposed to start with your left foot.  Always your left foot, never your right.   At first, you can't even imagine starting with your left foot, but then you try it.  It works!  You can start with your left foot.  Not only is it possible, but it's better!  You wonder why you are just now figuring this out.  Why didn't you think of this years ago?  So you start starting with your left foot.  It's really hard at first and every time you move you have to think about it.  It's like a mantra in your head "left foot, left foot, left foot". 

So just when you think you've got the hang of this left foot stuff you start to relax a little.  You've got it now.  The mantra has quieted.  Then one day you wake up and start on your right foot.  It's not something you do on purpose.  Maybe you don't even realize you've started on your right foot.  Until you start to trip.  And you wonder what's going on.  Why is everything so different today?  

Then you realize.  You started on your right foot.  You feel bad.  You feel stupid.  You feel ashamed.  You feel angry.  Angry at yourself for not starting on your left foot.  You know better.  You've been starting on your left foot for over a year.  What's wrong with you.

It isn't easy to change your ways.  Even when you know what is right and you know what you should do you still go back to your old ways from time to time. 

I don't really have a point... just the ramblings of a crazy person...

Falling Apart

I'm 31 years old.  I am too young to have so many health issues.  I've got a bum knee from a fall I took about 5 years ago.  It still acts up every once in a while.  I've got a sore back and arm from who knows what.  I've recently been diagnosed with bursitis.  The treatment for much of what ails me is a good old fashioned anti-inflammatory.  Which of coarse could very well kill me.  Ugh!  I've been so frustrated with this issue for so long.  I've been doing some research on Lamictal.  I took Lamictal before and as far as I can remember it worked for me.   I remember I didn't like taking it because it is shaped strangely.  That made it literally hard to swallow.    I just hope it will work for me again.  I'm not worried about the swallowing issue any more.  I've become accustomed to swallowing pills a handful at a time.   We'll just have to wait and see.

In other news... we went to see Narnia today.  It was really good.  I've been reading the book and finished it today after the movie.  I must say I was highly impressed at how close the book and movie were.  I truly enjoyed both.  

Blog much?

First of all... here is a picture of my silly dog.  You see, my small dog likes to get up on the edge of the couch and hang out.  This works for her because she is small.   Gonzo, however is not so small.  He doesn't know he's not small though so he tries to do all the things that Miss Piggy does.  What a silly guy.  Then again, what do you expect from someone names Gonzo!

So I have decided to create a blog to express myself.  I plan to write about what it's like to be me.  I wanted to name my blog something that had to do with me being crazy, but the only thing available that I could find was "deep fried cheese on a stick".  After about 100 attempts with names that were not available I took it.  I do love me a good deep fried cheese on a stick from Hot Dog On A Stick so why not. 

Anyway, tonight I e-mailed my doctor and told her that I think I should change meds again.  I'm not 100% sure this is a good idea, but I don't know what else to do.  I just don't fell like the Lithium is working for me.  I am tired of losing my hair, drinking 12 bottles of water a day (not an exaggeration) and not being able to lose weight (I'm not a fatty, but I could stand to lose about 20 pounds).

For those of you just joining us I have bipolar disorder.  I was diagnosed in 2003 (I think) and have  been riding the medication roller coaster ever since.  Don't get me wrong, the medication roller coaster is way better then the undiagnosed crazy for no apparent reason roller coaster.  It's just sometimes you really, really want to leave the theme park, but there is no exit.

In January of 2007 I decided to give Lithium another go.  I had been on it before, but stopped taking it due to side effects.  This time I realized that it had worked better than anything else so I should just suck it up and take my pills.  Since Jan. 07 I have had to increase the dosage twice and each time my thirst increased (I didn't think that was possible).  I recently went on a weekend trip and had to bring an entire case of water with me so that I didn't go into a coma!  That sucked.  I also lay awake many nights just tossing and turning and drinking more water because I feel so dehydrated. 

I also have to be careful what pain relievers I take so that my kidneys don't fail.  It's not fun, especially when you suffer from headaches and get body aches whenever you do things like spend 20 hours painting a house and then spend 2 days moving and another 2 days cleaning.

Well, I think that's enough for my first blog.